puppy {love}

we couldn't stand being without a dog

so...
we did something about it!

Ruger joined our family on Friday night

nighttime is NOT an ideal time to pick up a puppy

but we made it work

he is a 9 week old German Shepherd

he's very calm

and is learning fast

I can't wait till the potty-training phase is over!

winter is not a friendly season to be dashing outside every 15 minutes

with a wiggly puppy

I miss Ani terribly still

Ruger doesn't bark at outside noises yet

but barked at Ava when she came sneaking downstairs yesterday

He's a sweetie though...

and "talks" when we pick him up to snuggle

my dad teases that if we pick him up enough

our arms will get so strong that when he's full grown 90 pounds

we'll still be able to lift him!

I say we DON"T want a 90 pound lap dog!

the trainer might come next week to remind us what to do with this blank canvas of a puppy

I hope I can remember everything she tells me!

Annika

Monday night we said goodbye to our precious companion, Ani. 

We had gotten her as a puppy right before I found out I was pregnant with Alec. Correctly bred German Shepherds are known for their loyalty and protective nature. She was and she fit our family perfectly.

She was gentle and motherly towards the children, welcoming each new baby as if it was her own. She would run in the backyard with them, and would instinctively "herd" them, too!

She slept upstairs in the boy's room, she was my ears when I was in the back of the house and couldn't hear the door, she kept door-to-door salesmen in their place, she laid at my feet if I stayed up late working on the computer. She cleaned up our food messes on the floor, reminded us to keep the trash can emptied and put away, chased critters out of our garden, and received lots of lovin'.

We had noticed her slowing down over the past couple months, but she was not sick or in pain at all, just slower and sleepier. Monday evening we heard the back door bang and sent Alec to let her outside. He found her collapsed on the floor, unable to move. She lifted her head apologetically when I came, but still did not rise.

We moved her to the kitchen on a comfortable pad and called my parents and Marvin's mom, all of whom were tremendously fond of Ani. She lifted her head once when each of them came in, and then did not move again.

We all sat around her for about another 30 minutes and petted her and soothed her as she passed away. It was the absolute best way to lose a pet. No sickness, no pain, just peacefulness and care from us.

The kids cried buckets while we buried her next to our other dog and cat.

The next day was dreadful. The house seemed so empty and quiet, despite my three children. Ava cried for Ani on and off throughout the day, and the boys carried her collar around. I had to make them put it away after a while because the tinkling sound of it made me think Ani was coming into the room.

Today was awful, too. We came and went and there was no wagging tail to greet us, no one to let out into the backyard, no barking when the mailman came. Just total stillness.

There will never be another dog like her, we will always miss her terribly.

Thank you, Ani, for worming your way into my heart. I will never forget you.

Wordless Wednesday

no Whining this time!

After a late night planning session yesterday, we are back up and rolling with our winter session of home school. This time around, I made checklists for all three kids instead of just for Alec. I like to give him a checklist so that the expectations are all laid out, and he can work independently without me having to remind him every 5 minutes what he's supposed to be doing.

The extra checklists for Benji and Ava were tremendously helpful this morning, it helped me to stay on track and know exactly when I was finished with them and they liked checking off each box as it was completed.

We also tried a tip I heard from a friend: I first spent about half an hour doing preschool activities with Ava, while Benji and Alec worked independently in the other room. Alec helped Benji if he got stuck reading something, but other than that they worked on their own, with the knowledge that I was unavailable to them until preschool was over.

After that, I sat with the boys and checked over their work, or helped them complete things they had gotten stuck on. There was a little too much of that for my liking, but as time goes on they will hopefully get more used to working like that and will complete more on their own.

Next we had lunch and afterward Ava watched a movie for her quiet time while I did science and history with the boys. We got a late start, this being our first day "back to normal" after the two week battle with the flu, but all in all I think the schooling part of the day went well.

Now, on to the afternoon, with housework, photo editing, and babysitting! We'll see how this part of the day goes...

The Post in which I Whine Unabashedly in hopes that I'll Feel Better Afterwards

I started feeling it coming on Monday.  Like so many persistent door-to-door sales people, it kept knocking deep down in my chest all day long.  Monday night it had broken down the door, and Ava had succumbed also. By Tuesday, Ava and I were officially down with the flu, and by Wednesday so was Alec.

In a neatly staggered line of dominoes, four of the five of us got it,  one by one, until by Thursday EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE WAS SICK...except Marvin. Who happened to be taking the week off for our family's Christmas break. 

We missed out on:

~a trip to IKEA I was supposed to take with one of my girlfriends

~a guys-only trip to the shooting range for Marvin

~our movie date with the boys to see the new Narnia film

~trips to the grocery store for food for Christmas dinner

~attending Christmas Eve church

~our annual big fondue dinner on Christmas Eve with my in-laws and the kids cousins

~my favorite part of Christmas; staying up late Christmas Eve wrapping presents with Marvin

~Christmas dinner with my parents and brother

Christmas morning was less than nice. The kids took turns being cranky, and I still had that After the Flu Paralyzed Feeling. The picture at the top says it all. Fortunately (we thought) the boys had each gotten a large Lego set, and so would have something to keep themselves occupied. Unfortunately, Alec was still so tired from being sick that he broke down into tears many times before the sets were finished.

Marvin basically spent his entire week of vacation taking temperatures, dosing out elderberry syrup and vitamin C, wiping snotty noses, cooking, doing laundry, mediating quarrels, cleaning up vomit and diarrhea, and, well, I think we get the idea. He basically spent his break being me. While I spent the week being sick.

Honestly, I can't think of anything nice that happened last week. I can almost always think of something good in any situation, but this one is really challenging. It basically sucked. On many levels. And now it's all over, Marvin is back at work, and I'm left with toppling piles of Christmas all over the house. And I still don't feel good. And Benji still doesn't feel good. And I'm in a bad mood...

So...

if you read to the end of this post, thanks for listening to me whine...

don't feel like you have to make me feel better about it...

I just wanted to vent.

{stopped}

in the middle of the hustle

everything stops

tissues pile up

the teapot whistles

family plans canceled

thermometer begs for time off

momma's heart aches to take care of the little ones

but her body aches too much to get out of bed

daddy works hard to fill in

gets rewarded with sweet hugs

hopefully not nasty germs

wakeful nights

3 feverish bodies

one trip to the laundromat with a soiled comforter

living life's hard moments with grace and gentleness

we appreciate what we have

and

wait patiently to come out the other side

Wordless Wednesday

La Vie En Rose...

...life through rose colored glasses...

with cake

and cookies

friends

and presents

we celebrated

the fourth year

of this little girl's life...

 there was pinkness

there were giggles

 caused by him

there was an elegant tea, served little-girl (and boy) style

 there was singing

and grouchy brothers

wrapping paper to tear

gifts to love

 thank-you's to say

surprises galore

and memories to be made

it was perfect!

Looking In

Since last year I've felt a bit out of place. My best friend moved, we changed churches, another close friend started school full time, we began homeschooling, I was pregnant with friends and lost my baby while theirs survived...a few among many other socially-uprooting changes.

Change is fine (and strangely, sometimes fun) for me, and up till today, I thought I was handling it in stride. Until I was asked to participate in an "extracurricular" activity at our new church. I said yes, hoping that since two of the other two ladies involved were also home educators with kids similar ages to mine, it would be a good opportunity to get to know more moms like me.

The morning started with me getting there 30 minutes after everyone else due to a potty accident. Normally that wouldn't have bothered me but for some reason, the fact that everyone already had a job and I didn't made me feel awkward. I pushed negative feelings aside and jumped in anyways.

We were decorating the church for Christmas, and as the morning went on, the church looked brighter and my spirits grew dimmer. It seemed like everyone was involved in a conversation I wasn't. I kept trying but eventually gave up and resigned myself to making wreath bows in silence.

It was early afternoon by the time we finished and by then I had the odd sensation of someone viewing zoo animals behind glass. You're there with them but not part of their world.

The kids were hungry because it was way after lunch and no one seemed to care. I was frantically trying to put the last of 6 wreaths on the wall when Ava knocked some stuff off a table.  As I bent to pick it up, she leaped onto my back and hung on like a monkey. Thrown completely off balance, I fell backward, pinning her under me on the carpet. She cried, and I felt like crying too!

Finally it was over and we hurried to the car. The other two women happen to be neighbors, and as I buckled Ava in, I heard snippets of their conversation. The way people talk when their lives are blended.  It made my heart ache. It felt a little sad to be left out of their lunch plans, but more than that, it was a painful reminder of what I no longer have.

As I drove home, I was overcome by the feelings of desolation welling up in my heart. As my mind searched frantically for a memory of a place that I do fit in, my heart reminded me, one by one, that none of those places exist any longer. I felt completely uprooted, an orphan at a family reunion, a weed in a field of blooms.

Not long ago, I had taken my feelings of loneliness to Jesus, and in the days following my lament He had literally brought to my door many of my friends! I think maybe 4 or more in a couple of days! It was very apparent what He was trying to show me, as I daily reminded myself that He is always near and that I'm never truly alone.

Falling off of that horse into the dirt of what happened to me today was hard. Really hard. I've slowly come to realize that I'm the one preventing close connections. Seemingly forever scarred by the painful changes of the past year, my heart is unwilling to be shared in such a way again. It has had all the breaking it can take.

It will take some major courage to be vulnerable again, to be willing to risk loss, disappointment and heartbreak. Jesus is the only perfect friend, the only one that won't move away, won't leave us out of lunch plans, won't forget our birthdays, and won't gossip behind our backs and will love us unconditionally.

I hold it true, whate'er befall; 

I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

 ~Alfred Lord Tennyson