Thoughts About Member Number Six

After Ava was born, I was done. Just done. Her birth was difficult, not complicated, but painful. She was my largest baby, weighing 9lbs 8oz and had HUGE shoulders!
I remember talking to myself in the mirror afterwards, forcing myself every day to remember the pain so that when I wanted another baby I could talk myself out of it!

How I've grown and learned since then! Once Ava outgrew her "baby monkey on speed" phase, as we so fondly called it, and became more independent, I realized that this was a very new stage for me to have only "older" children. No toddler to cling to me, no one to watch out for 24/7...At first I was like YAHOO! and enjoyed the freedom. Then came the sadness...the realization that perhaps I would never again nurse a little infant, never again enjoy baby belly laughs, never again have to buckle anyone into a car seat...all the little things, the little privileges of being a momma to a baby...maybe never again!

And I got sadder and sadder...and we ALL changed our minds! Or should I say the Lord changed our minds! There was a whole lot of prayer and correction of attitudes that happened...and learning about my true role as a wife and mother and keeper of my home.

And with the humble acknowledgement that my womb belongs in the Lord's hands, not mine, here I am. After 6 years of rebelling, being scared, and learning, I'm finally waiting for baby number four, family member number six!

My heart rejoices daily at the miracle of life growing inside of me, and at the privilege of being called upon once again to nurture a soul, a gift from our Creator.

BUT...

I can't help but wonder...

What will it be like?

After so long...will I bond with the baby? Will I remember how to breastfeed? We've been a little family of five for so long, we're a bit set in our ways...will I feel resentful towards the baby like it's an intruder? Will the kids welcome it with open arms? Will they welcome the changes or fight them? What will I say to remarks like,"Oh, was this a surprise baby?" because there is such a gap between it and the other three? Will I get annoyed and worn down quickly because I'm not used to round the clock vigilance anymore? Will I truly be able to welcome the new one into the fold with open arms and no resentment? What if I don't bond? What is wrong with me for thinking all of this? Why am I even worried about any of it?

And the truth is...I don't have the answers for my questions...and I do feel nervous. I feel like a first time mom all over again...but with "baggage"! I know the kids are excited...well at least the younger two. I really haven't taken the time to sit down with Alec and see how he feels. He's too old to be rubbing my belly and yelling things at the baby in hopes that it will hear him like his younger siblings do. He's just quiet about it...until I suggest that perhaps he's like to be the designated diaper changer!

And I really am excited, deep down. Whenever I think about that moment when my brand new, messy, squalling baby is plopped down on my chest and the ending of one thing becomes the beginning of another, I can't help but to grin...or get teary eyed...Because I know EXACTLY what that will be like! THAT is not something easily forgotten!

Older

They are. Getting older, that is.

All taller, bigger, more mature..branching out...learning in leaps and bounds

Loving each other, loving God, loving this baby we are waiting for...

{The oldest}

...sometimes serious

sometimes definitely not...

wearing adult sized shoes

and the largest size there is in boy clothes...

growing into his new body...

never without his pocket knife or his machete if we are heading out of doors for the day

Taking on new leadership roles with his siblings

voluntarily helping his little sister with things around the house

putting her to bed some nights

(this will come in REALLY handy when Daddy and I are exhausted from nights up with a baby!)

Cooking some meals

fixing and serving breakfast on lots of mornings when Mommy is so tired from sleepless pregnant nights

Quickly and quietly getting his school work done and excelling on his violin

Really good at arguing...in a good way

It just comes naturally, his way of thinking outside the box,

looking at things from a different perspective...

Sometimes it comes across as disrespectful

(and sometimes it actually is)

but sometimes I'm genuinely surprised at how much logic flows out of his head!

Mix of child and man, still with a tender heart

Still mold-able and teachable...

Oh Lord, give us the wisdom to train him up in the way he should go!

{The younger son}

 Always funny...always smiling...except when he isn't...

Sensitive and snuggly

still has traces of "little boy" lingering

but fast approaching big brother

Really has a head for numbers

but hates math...

 Still finds reading challenging...and really would rather be playing during read-aloud time...but then again, what 8 year old boy wouldn't?!

Able to work more independently...and becoming much more independent in social settings.

I can hardly believe this is the same child who, only a year ago, would not leave my side at our co-op!

Still fascinated by food...

 Lego food, Playmobile food, real food, Food Network...

Will he be a chef? Is it because of his allergies?

Much less sensitive to lots of foods now, eats eggs regularly, oats with no problem, raw grass fed milk and cheese, still problems with corn

 Beginning to be his own little person, thoughts and interests uniquely different from his once-mirror brother...extremely funny and original

Still quite the artist...excellent handwriting...

Vacillates wildly between adoration of his little sister and complete disdain

Fascinated with facts and information about the new baby coming

He remembers the one we lost, keeps track of how old it would be now...

 "Mommy, I love you so much!" is heard daily...

Oh Lord, give us patience and tenacity to see him through this shift, and to gently guide him to the next phase in his growth...

{The girl}

Definitely a girl with brothers...

heading rapidly towards six

growing so tall

looking not so much like a chubby preschooler any more

Still the mix of sweetness and wild wind

Princess tomboy...

Budding little mommy...excellent helper in the kitchen

I find dollies put to bed and animals being fed in all corners of her room...

along with dirty clothes strewn...

Madly in love with this baby in my belly...talking to it through my belly button is a daily occurrence

Discussions of sharing her room are not going well, but she loves the idea of possibly a little sister...

Still somewhat of a picky eater, needs her pants glued to the chair during a meal...

Mommy needs to crack down on some manners...

Reading amazingly well, drawing and writing...coloring all the time...

loves her school books...but not always interested...

Champion fort-builder

Lover of ALL types of animals, even the ugly scary looking ones...

Still some sensory issues with clothes, although she proclaimed that she now "Loves socks!" 

Can ride a bike, jump rope, play chess, swim underwater...roller skate...

Amazes me every day with her insight and intuition WAY older than she is...

LOVES Dada and Papa (or "Popes", as she calls him right now)

Calls them on the phone on her own daily...treats them to long, syrupy messages, or long one-sided conversations that mostly consist of, "Now I'm walking around. Now I'm in my bedroom. Now I'm in the kitchen..."

Recently painted me a picture of her and I and said, 

"Mommy, the reason I made this for you is because I am loving that you are having a baby and I love having a Mommy like you!"

Lord, please aid us in protecting her innocence, give us grace to follow through on our parenting...

These precious blessings from God, on loan to us for a time, to nurture, train up, protect...

What an honor, privilege and amazing responsibility...

So humbling that the Heavenly Father would give me, lil' ole' me, a chance to cherish an eternal soul...

Fear and Faith

I stand paralyzed in front of my closet. My bulging belly says I'm pregnant...nearly 15 weeks to be exact. But somehow, despite my nausea, feeling the baby move (early!), and not fitting into any of my clothes for a very long time, I don't feel like it's real.

I look down at the laundry basket where my one tired pair of maternity jeans sprawls out onto the floor, and then glance at a worn out, stretched out, pilly sweater and imagine myself wearing that outfit one more time. Then I stare at the small selection of maternity clothes that I purchased a couple days before and imagine myself wearing them. They look much better...in fact, they actually look nice on me.

And I actually need them. I can't wear my stretch pants and long tank tops and pretend that they are suitable any longer. It's too cold outside, and it's getting embarrassing.

I reach out to grab one of the new shirts and freeze. I just can't do it. I can't take the tag off.
It is then that I realize just how afraid I am.

"Lord! I'm terrified!" I cry, tears streaming down my face. "I'm terrified!" I repeat over and over, slowly letting it sink in.

This amazing gift I've been given, I can't seem to unwrap the package. It's sitting on the floor, all pretty in paper and a bow, and I stare at it every day, smile tenderly when I think about what's inside, even show it to the kids. But that's all. I step over it, walk around it, make sure it's not in harms way...but I don't tear off the paper in breathless anticipation...I can't even pick it up.

I knew that this pregnancy would be a huge stretching of my faith and trust. But I had no idea how hard it would be. The simple act of putting on actual maternity clothes, of committing, in a tangible way, to this pregnancy is more painful that I had imagined.

See, when we got pregnant two years ago, it was an answer to prayer. My kids had been praying, and I had been praying for a surprise, that my husband's heart would be changed towards having more children. And sure enough, our prayers were answered, to the letter. I also got pregnant at the same time as a friend who was new in town and had prayed that she would have a friend to be pregnant with.

We went shopping together for maternity clothes...and I purchased some comfy pants and t shirts...which I proceeded to wash and wear.

Then I miscarried.
Then I had to stare at those clothes hanging there, unused...
Then I miscarried again.

Yes, our prayers were answered, yes, my husbands heart was changed, yes, the Lord was with me through each painful moment, and yes, here we are again, more prayers answered...and I'm absolutely terrified.

Of course I have no way of knowing what the future holds, and this journey of faith is the most tangible one I've ever been on. I'm literally going day to day, believing that there is a healthy baby inside of me, praying fervently for it, but unable to see or feel it...stepping out in faith...for something unseen...but believing the promise of the Lord to fill my arms again.

I'm comforted by this: no matter what the outcome, I am in the refiners fire, and I will be changed for the good and for the glory of the Lord.

And this baby...well, it will be something pretty special. A physical reminder to momma on a daily basis, that she can, indeed, do ALL things through Christ!!!

{14 wks, 4 days 10/5}

Fifteen weeks

No...no bump picture...

See, here's the thing...despite my whole food diet and my active lifestyle and my use of a holistic chiropractor and a naturopath...I'm overweight. I'm the beautiful fat girl that everyone wants to be friends with because she looks...well, comfortable...and non-threatening! And everyone says, "Oh, you are so pretty!" or "Oh, you look great, Shelly", because what else do you say to the anomaly that is me.

And, what's worse is...I have absolutely NO idea why I'm overweight. I've been there, done and tried that. And no one has any answers for me.

So. There it is. Naked honesty.

My "baby bump" is always huge from the beginning, making my first miserable, vomit-filled weeks even worse because I instantly look like I've gone off the deep end, burying my emotions in Twinkies and soda and white bread.

I do actually look truly pregnant right now, but that pretty belly curve that most women have is more like a series of badly graded hills on me.

But I don't say this to make anyone feel sorry for me, it's my life, I'm used to it...and sometimes I actually feel like I look cute pregnant. Thank goodness my husband is the amazing man he is, and manages to make me feel beautiful and lets me know he loves me for just me, not the package me is wrapped in...although he insists that he likes that, too! *grin*

Anyhow...back to the pregnancy update:

Still feeling queasy, occasional vomit, but rare
Gagging a lot, sucking on endless Starlight Mints and peppermint gum
Using doTerra's Citrus Bliss oil to smell to avert nausea
Sea Bands work sometimes, but I've used them so much, I'm developing round marks on the insides of my wrists

Craving: steamed cauliflower, apples, juice (cider and orange juice), popcorn, broccoli (cooked and raw), eggs/french toast
Can tolerate (but don't really want): beans and rice, applesauce, canned peaches, steamed green beans, raw carrots
Can't eat (results in vomit): meat of any kind, nuts, anything with much of a flavor (haha!) or much of a smell (hahahaha!)

Now really needing maternity clothes. I had one pair of jeans left from one other pregnancies that I am wearing and a huge dumpy fleece sweatshirt that I will wear in the house because I'm notoriously freezing in the winter. Other than that, I had just been wearing gauchos, tank tops, long t shirts with a rubber band in the button of my capris, etc.

But now it's cold outside...so I finally went and bought a few things...and *whew* I'm much more comfortable!!!

I'm able to do pieces and parts of our normal daily routine now. One load of dishes,one load of laundry, swish and swipe the bathroom every couple days, most days we can do school, I can take the kids to their activities, and run one small errand. But that's about it.

Normally I push myself while I'm pregnant, and pretty much ignore it and go on with life as normal. But this time, I think since I had those miscarriages, I'm a bit more respectful of the mystery and miracle of the new life inside of me...and I'm resting. A lot more. Things are getting done, just very slowly.

Things the kids are saying:
Ava,"Mommy, are those the baby jeans?" (referring to the maternity jeans I had just bought) She calls the front panel a "baby sack"! Every night before bed, she kisses me, and then kisses my belly.
Alec and Benji, "Mom, if this baby is a boy, I hope he's rowdy like Josiah!" (our 3 year old neighbor)

{10/8/12, 15 weeks}

I'm sorry...

"Lord, I'm just so tired...

"I'm sorry for complaining so much, I just feel like the kids are missing out on so much that they need to be doing. Yeah, the house is messy, but so what...I pretty much don't have any friends anymore, at least none who drop by unexpectedly...and no one who lives here seems to care that they are wading through dog fur and dried food..

It's the schooling...and the character issues...and the bad habits and bad attitudes...and the FOOD!!! that is getting to me.

I need to be eating WAY differently than I can right now...I need bitter greens for my liver so my adrenals and thyroid can function properly...I need protein so I can have energy...I need so many things that for some reason my body won't tolerate. Living on popcorn, sour candy, noodles, juice, cooked cauliflower and mints is not a good long term protocol for anyone, ESPECIALLY someone growing a baby.

I feel so ungrateful even bringing these things to your throne...because I pleaded and begged for so long for this little one inside of me. You know my heart, you know that I'm completely in love with this little lemon-sized blessing.

But I"m also in love with my husband and other three children...and it hurts my heart to see them so neglected by me. I can see the health issues sneaking up as a result of the poor diet...laziness and apathy have developed...selfishness...too much stress for Daddy after work...I can't stand knowing that it's all because I can't, simply CAN'T fulfill my role adequately right now.

BUT...You know what I need,You know what this baby needs, You know what my family needs...and so I hold my breath, squeeze my eyes tight, and jump into Your arms...because You are."

{thoughts from my heart...10/4/12...14 weeks}

The situation here....

...is scary!

I will be 13 weeks on Monday. Tomorrow, to be precise. {9/24/12}{this post was written earlier, I"m nearly 18 weeks now}

We finally saw our "little one", as the ultrasound tech called the baby, last week. I burst into tears the moment that precious little body came into view and pretty much didn't stop crying till the ultrasound was over. I think I freaked the tech out...but then again she didn't know our story.

So back to the "situation"...

We eat Real Food. That means food that your grand parents and great grandparents would recognize. Food that doesn't have brand or ingredient labels on it, food that is as close to it's original state as possible. That means organic (if possible) veggies and fruit, whole,minimally processed grains (not wheat or corn, they are over used here in the United States and corn is nearly all genetically modified now), grass finished beef, pastured chicken and eggs, venison, and raw milk. (I would add organic beans to that list, but some of us have severe allergies to legumes)

I make pretty much everything we consume from scratch. That includes our sandwich bread, yogurt, kefir, and all snacks. The only "prepared" foods we eat are typically rice or quinoa pasta, rice crackers, and the occasional treat (a cookie from a bakery or some ice cream, or pizza).

So...I get really sick when I'm pregnant. So sick that I'm just desperate to not vomit. So desperate that I'll resort to ANYthing...like boxed macaroni and cheese, or sour Skittles. I was really stubborn at the beginning of this particular pregnancy and vowed not to even give myself any of those options. But after throwing up nearly everything I was eating or being simply unable to take more than a bite, I decided that eating something (albeit a "non" food) was better than being so weak from the vomit and having no energy.

And I feel badly about giving in, I really do. I feel like, maybe I could have tried harder, read more, done more research, forced myself to eat things that I had a strong aversion to, etc. It's hard to know that the only things that don't result in extreme nausea or vomit are so super bad for my body, because I've done so much learning and know what is and what isn't fit to be consumed. It's a weird puzzle...one that I simply cannot solve. Maybe after this baby is born and we talk about another one down the road, I can do more pre-pregnancy planning...but that ship has already sailed for now, and it is what it is.

Back to the situation here...so the kids are spending the day eating boxed cereal, chips, candy, and whatever else they can find,while I spend the day trying to stay out of the kitchen. After such a dramatic switch in diet, for such a long time (a couple months) I can most certainly see a difference in their behavior and mood, and general well being.

Pile a non-food, nutrient deficient diet on top of no routine and discipline, and you've got a storm a-brewin'! I know that this is only temporary, sometimes survival mode is all you can do...but I am certainly NOT looking forward to undoing all of this in the weeks to come.

Juiced

(Parts of Orange and Juicer played by Benji and Alec. Ava played by herself.) 

Orange: "You VILE creature!"

 Juicer: "I'm not vile, I'm just having a snack..."

Orange: "You're not making snacks out of ME!"

   later...

Orange: "Aaaahhh! That's the last of me!"

 Ava: "Don't freak out, you're going to heaven!" 

Orange: "Dah-dah, duh-duh...I'm going to heeaaaaven!!"

 Ava: "Mom! Can I recycle the pulp and put it back through the juicer?"

Boys will be boys

and

girls will be girls!

There is never a moment without laughter here...

and laughter is oh so important

if

you want to remain

sane!

For later...

Dear self:

You do not cope well with morning sickness. Weeks of sitting in one spot simply serves to feed your tendencies to hyper focus. All you can think about is how awful you feel and how you simply MUST sit down again, and how you will NEVER dig yourself out of the disaster that your house has become.

At four weeks of sickness (10 weeks pregnant, 9/1/12), you are suffocating under a blanket of guilt. That the children haven't been properly cared for, fed, nurtured, taught...and that you haven't really parented them at all. The kitchen table hasn't been fit to eat on, the fridge is full of rotting food, and the bathrooms are filthy. There are DRIFTS of dog fur in every corner and the carpet feels mysteriously crunchy.

You have become a hermit in stretchy pants and sports bras. Your hair is in a permanent ponytail. You have cancelled every reason to go out of the house and have even solicited friends to take your children where they must go. The first week of school was a paltry sham.

Your trips from your comfy chair to the bathroom have become reconnaissance missions, you are shocked to see that you really and truly are the heartbeat of your home. And you are very, very, very scared by that. You are also seized with the desire to somehow, by hook or by crook, figure out a way to make the house run smoothly without you...so that when this precious babe is in arms you can stare at her and forget the refrigerator for a few weeks.

One minute you realize that you've forgotten what this sickness is all about, that it really is such a tiny drop in the bucket of time, the next minute you are weeping tears of joy because this is all such an amazing miracle and you can't wait to meet the next member of your family. And weirdly, even though you are supremely miserable, you are thinking of what it would be like to do this yet AGAIN!!! But then your mind quickly rushes to the sweetness of the thoughts of adoption that have run constantly through your whole life like a steady, predictable stream.

You are honored to be chosen by the Lord to bear witness once again to His miracle of life, His miracle of creation, and to hold in your charge for a season another precious soul. Your body is but a vessel, filled up to please and praise the Creator. You are blessed.

Love, me.

If ...(on parenting)

 If you're a mommy
If you want to love the life you're living
If you don't want to be afraid of making a mess of it
If you want your "children to rise up and call you blessed" when someday it's all said and done
then you MUST know that...

you will succeed if you aren't afraid to fail
 you will fail if you aren't consistent...
and consistently digging into the Word

your needs must come last
so you can meet the needs of your husband and children first

every.single.thing. you say and do is teaching your children something
if you respond to them in anger and frustration, they will learn how do do that, too
if you yell and scream at them, they will learn to yell and scream right back
if you say one thing to them and then do another, they'll learn that being a hypocrite is ok

but

if you love them when they are unlovable, they'll befriend the outcasts when they grow up
if you speak gently and restrain yourself, they'll use kind words when a sibling takes a toy
if you don't watch the inappropriate TV show even though they aren't awake, your clean conscience will be a shining beacon to the transparency of a sanctified, holy life

IF you act exactly how you want them to act, they will follow in your footsteps

because

there's nothing a child wants more than to be just.like.mommy.

It's finally happened...again

Well, it's finally happened again.

Those two pink lines...
that weird full feeling in my belly that never goes away...
the urge to throw up every few minutes...
the hating of all food...
the horribly messy house...

The moments of tears of gratitude...
the moments of intense love and thankfulness...
the vivid memories of doing this before...

The fleeting sadness that Ava will never be the baby of the family like she has been for 5 years...
and then the huge grin that covers my face when I imagine her as a little mommy's helper

The brief pang that comes with the knowledge that our family is changing forever...and then feeling so happy I can hardly contain myself...

The ache in my heart when I think of the huge gap between Ava and this one all because we live in an imperfect world...and the feeling of warmth and content that fills it when I remember how faithful my Heavenly Father is to fulfill His promises

{{9 weeks, 8.25.12}}