It was lovely...

It was lovely, it really was...
...from start to finish...

 Each year on Christmas Eve when I get ready to pile the gifts under the tree I always think we've not done enough...

that our love for each child might be measured by how many gifts they receive the next morning

or by how much money we spent

But...

Each year as I set everything lovingly under the tree

I am overwhelmed by the reality of how generous the Lord has allowed us to be 

and how generous the Lord is with us

in more ways than just tangible gifts...

When we drove through the devastation that is Joplin on our trip two weeks ago we were brought to tears...

and still I am affected.

Acutely grateful and aware of the ways the Lord has spared us, and so thankful to

{{be}}

with family

in our house

under a roof

in the warmth

with food

our own clothes

fresh water

and 

wrapped gifts

Gifts that we don't NEED

only things that we 

WANT

small tokens

weak gestures

attempts to represent

and symbolize

the most

AMAZING

GIFT

OF

ALL

a tiny baby

helpless in an animal feeding trough

wrapped in strips of dirty rough fabric

here to save

.us.

So...embracing all this, we had a wonderful Christmas. We spent the days with family, crammed in small houses, talking above noisy children, waiting for slow food to cook, cleaning up messes, laughing, hugging, and loving every precious moment of it.

I am ready to put behind me all the tears and unanswered questions of this year and

turn to face the only One who knows the answers

and follow Him into the next year,

the future that only He is certain of...

Worrying about what lies ahead and trying to answer things for myself is too big a burden for me to carry

and I gladly

turn

it 

over

to my Savior,

the precious tiny babe

come to save the world.

Happy New Year!

May you look to Him for the truth, and the true measure of your gifts.

Ephesians 3:20-22

Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.

(kjv)

Merry Merry Christmas!

Wo-hooo!

I'm unabashedly excited!

We had a wonderful time last week on our impromptu trip to Dallas and many other places. I'm so glad we got to go, and so thankful for Marvin's job that allowed us to!

I LOVE Christmas...

I LOVE this week of preparation, of our hearts and home...

We do Advent, but are scrambling to catch up since we missed two weeks being gone...

Marvin always makes Christmas so magical for me, especially! I don't know how he does it, but he's amazing. We didn't celebrate Christmas as kids at my house, so he's trying to make up for a childhood of lost memories!

I can't wait to share our trip with all of you...but right now

It's time to roll up my sleeves and get to work!

(and get Ava out of the bathtub...)

{Ava took this at one of the many beautiful places we went last week...}

Minus one...

It's been a bit over a year since my miscarriage. 

I still cry and miss my baby...

I think about how old she'd be right now...she pops into my head at odd times, and I mentally fit her in to what we're doing. 

I always feel like someone's missing and am constantly looking around, counting to make sure we've got everyone. 

I have friends who had babies around the time I would have had my angel, and it makes the empty space in my heart even bigger when I see them.

I also have friends who have shared the pain of miscarriage...but they've gone on to have other children.  "But what if I can't?" I always think...
We've tried...and I had one more miscarriage...

Discovering and dealing with related health issues should make it easier to bide my time. Some days it does, but some days it doesn't.

They say time heals everything, but I'm not so sure. Part of me is forever changed...will forever be longing...

Despite the sadness, I've come to terms with the reality that
it happened.

I am a mother of five...
two of whom I've never kissed
but will someday.

It will forever be a part of who I am
we will always have a part of our family missing.

Our family is not yet complete.

God has promised me to one day fill my aching arms again...but the waiting is so hard.

{{witty}}

Me: "Who told you that?"

Ava: "No one! I just found it in my head!"

~~~~~~~~

Ava: "Mom? I'll miss you when I'm dead..."

~~~~~~~~~

Ava: "I wish I had fourteen children, then I could have a mansion and fourteen beds!"

~~~~~~~~~

Ava: "Mom? When am I gonna be old enough to go on a stage? I want to sign up for one right now! And I'll be fine with a crowd."

~~~~~~~~~

Ava: "I'm guessing that God is writing our prayers on little Post It notes and hanging them up with our names on them?" (after bedtime prayers one night!)

sleep in heavenly...

{proof}

{proof} positive that
they really are!

Field of Bees

It was a beautiful day...
typical fall in the midwest, brilliant colors everywhere
summer fading away in a last wash of richness

The wildflowers were stunning
but
the field was full of bees...

She didn't want to stay and pick flowers.

We left, and it made me think...
Am I ever in a field of bees?

Walking in seems so appealing
Curiosity is my second nature.

Do I stay despite the sting of reality?
Should I?

Depends on where the field is...
sometimes fighting the bees is a good thing!

Normal

These days Daddy leaves for work at sunrise, before any little feet come pitterpatter down the stairs...and sometimes barely before Momma is awake!

We take our time getting started, sometimes me in my jammies still while I'm getting the kids organized.

More often than not, as I serve breakfast, I look at the clock and it's going on 11:00!

It takes me a long time to feel awake in the morning, I have to do things in a certain order or it just doesn't feel right.

First, the laundry. First before anything else! 

Then making the bed, checking email, showering/getting dressed...

THEN I'm ready for kids, breakfast, etc.

We usually wrap up violin practice and school work around 2, then we have lunch!

Sometimes the munchies hit us around 12 and we'll have a quick bite, but real "lunch" is not usually till 2 or sometimes even 3:00!

Afternoons are usually spent tidying up the house, playing outside, or running errands.

I start dinner at 6 or 6:30 and we eat at 7 or later...when Daddy comes home.

Kids go to bed all at once at 9, parents at 10..or 11...or whenever!

Our normal is not normal for everyone else

but

it 

works

{well}

for 

us!

Do you have a normal that isn't?

Ava

5 years...

1,825 days...

43,8000 hours...

2,628,000 seconds...

gone by in a blink of an eye!

I still think, "Wow! I have a DAUGHTER!"

Someone to train to be a wife and a mother

Someone who will watch my every move and want to be like me...good or bad

A little person who is like me but also completely un-like...

She mystifies my head

but

my heart completely understands her

 

 Having a daughter is NOTHING like having sons...

I'm still surprised!

 She's a delight to watch...

dancing and singing her way through life

loving passionately

and

hating with fury

There is no lukewarm here!

Stuffed animals are her companion and lovie of choice
I was exactly the same...
and like her, I had a toy tiger!

She's a rose petal tornado...

sweetness

and

wild wind

She amazes me every day

and teaches me things about myself

that

sometimes I do not want to learn

Five marks the end of a journey

and I'm sad

but

in awe of what will be happening

right before our eyes...

grace and beauty...

laughter and sweetness...

tigers, lions and poodles

plastic food

and princess dresses

songs and dances

and falling down

silliness and tears and

coloring books

in {Love} for 5 years...

can't wait for the rest!