I was pregnant

and then...

Two weeks ago, we found out that our precious baby was going home to be with Jesus before we got the chance to hold her in our arms.

A week ago today, I had the miscarriage.

This baby was an answer to the prayers of a mother's heart yearning for more children

It was not something we had planned, but not something we had planned against...
we were yielding to the Father's will

It was the perfect gift, 
the perfect surprise, 
the perfect answer to the prayers of my children for another to join their ranks

Each time I've been pregnant, the Lord has given me a word for each baby. Alec's word was "blessing", Benji's word was "compassion", Ava's word was "grace". I knew the word for this baby very early on, it was "peace". Now I know why.

Through every minute of confusion, 
and pain, 
the peace that passes all understanding washed through me

I believe that we who are honored to be parents are learning life's lessons through the most perfect teachers; our children
Our children force us to look to Christ again and again
and when we do, when we submit to His perfect plan,
they, in turn, shower us with the physical manifestation of His unconditional love

My Benji, my child who teaches me compassion, has been love personified through these difficult weeks.  He would catch me crying and just climb up on the bed or my lap and sit...quietly...tenderly stroking my arm...furtively glancing up at my wet eyes...saying, "Mom? You're sad about the baby again, aren't you? I"m sad, too..."  Now, weeks later, he still comes to me often and hugs me, sweetly saying "Mommy, I love you..."

I don't have any answers for why
and I may never have them
but I do know this:

Jesus Christ, mighty God, creator of the universe, who calls the stars by name,
will meet us where we are,
 In the fog of my tears and broken heart,
in my grieving for my loss,
in my inability to pray,
or even think,
he met me  

in the arms of my child,

my child with the compassionate spirit 

~Psalm 139

11 readers took time to leave a thought:

Crystal September 2, 2010 at 6:14 PM  

oh friend. love to you. i wish i could run right over to hug you. but praise the Lord that this life is not all we have to look forward to...and you have one sweet little angel waiting to run to you when you get there too! i will be praying for you!!

Lucky September 2, 2010 at 6:21 PM  

When I saw your blog post a while back...I had prayed it wasn't concerning this. I am so so very sorry.

Susan September 2, 2010 at 8:39 PM  

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Marvin, and the kids.

Erin September 2, 2010 at 9:51 PM  

My heart breaks for you. I will be praying for you and for your family.

Rachel September 2, 2010 at 9:52 PM  

aaww..I'm sorry. I said a prayer for you.

Juli E. September 2, 2010 at 9:58 PM  

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I am so sorry.

Will and Olivia September 3, 2010 at 9:35 AM  

hugs to you, dear friend. I love you.

Anonymous September 4, 2010 at 6:17 PM  

shelly, I have noticed that you always write on Brittany's post. however, she does not write on yours very often, and a lot of times seems like she just wrote something just so that you don't feel bad. She should have written something in this post, you need a lot of support from your friends.

I am sorry for what happened. Praying for you.



Tarrah September 4, 2010 at 9:00 PM  

I'm so sorry Shelly! I lost a baby also, between Abriella & Abe. The memory never goes away but God heals your heart. You will one day meet that sweet little child of Peace.

4 Little Men and Girly Twins September 5, 2010 at 11:21 PM  

love you and support you more than any comment could say



Michelle Jamie September 7, 2010 at 11:36 AM  

When I read your post about waiting...I started praying. God laid it on my heart to pray for the loss of your child. I was so tempted to e-mail you and ask you if what I felt God leading me to pray for you was right but thought I just needed to be obedient and it was yours to share. I have been praying for you much.

sister in the universal body of Christ

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