just because...

I love his eyes...

5...4...3...2...1...

I haven't been here because...

it's the end of countdown week

They're leaving in a matter of days, the truck will be loaded on Monday

My house has been kissed by the pitter-patter of extra little feet

and

the laughter of extra little mouths

while momma and daddy pack up

their lives

to start a new one

My heart is bursting with

excitement for their journey

and

unshead tears for my journey

I'll be back when I can

fancy girl

saturday morning tea

graciously presiding over the table

in high style

wearing a Barbie couture gown

plastique perles

and

a marabou trimmed headband

serving Earl Grey and petite fours

and 

pondering the mysteries of invisible food and plastic tea sets

Wordless Wednesday {recess}

Just now...

I sent Alec down to the corner alone

to meet my friend

so he could play with her boys

I watched him as he shuffled through the snow, 

a dark shape with arms and legs,

slowly turning grey in the swirling white

Every house he passed, he turned to look at me

for reassurance

Before he left, he told me that he was scared

I told him that he'd be fine

it was no big deal

he'd be able to see me the whole way

and

I'd be able to see him

Halfway down the block, he turned and ran back to me, 

his arms windmilling frantically

as he tried to propel himself faster down the untraveled sidewalk

When he got close enough to hear me I told him to 

turn around 

We looked together and saw my friend at the end of the sidewalk,

a blurry shadow in the tunnel of white,

waving both arms

"Run to her, sweetie!"

I said.

"RUN to her, she's waiting for you!"

A moment's hesitation

and

then he went

I stood still 

watching him blur into grey again

as he ran

Just before he got to the end, another shadowy figure emerged with a snow shovel

I could feel Alec's heart beating faster and his adrenaline pumping

as he made a choice

Split second

He looked at me again

and kept on running

toward the corner

"Call to him!"

I whispered to my friend

"Give him boldness!"

my heart whispered to Jesus

I did not feel sad when he and my friend turned to wave to me as they left

No longing for a little boy

no longing for big eyes turned up to mine in childish wonder

no longing for a tiny hand to hold

I rejoiced in the breaking of bonds

and

rejoiced in the strength we both found

Go shave your legs, it will make you feel better!

I just did, and used banana body cream afterward.

Then I tried to winterize my brand new, very lovely, very bright, lemon-y yellow top from here

with the addition of an orange tank top, an orange and yellow scarf and a grey cardigan.

It looked stupid.

But I felt better because I had smooth legs under my ugly clothes, and smelled like bananas and coconut.

Tonight is date night, finally!

Celebrating Valentine's day early never hurts, right?

(and it never hurts to shave and smell like dessert before date night, either!)

My Valentine is totally awesome!

Yesterday, he managed to talk me down from a panic attack, and organize and subdue the children in a matter of minutes, OVER the PHONE from his office!

He then told me that he agreed that I needed a day off (a true day off never happens in mom-land, but the thought is really nice!) and told me that I was free as a bird all day tomorrow.

I love you honey!

Thanks for being my backbone when mine's a wet noodle

for being my brown paper bag when I can't breathe

and for loving me when I'm extremely unlovable.

Happy {early} Valentine's Day to the love of my life!

Royalty

Ava joined me in the bathroom this morning, as I was getting ready for the day.  To entertain her, I sang "So This is Love" from the ballroom scene in Cinderella.

Ava:"And after they danced, Cinderella ran away from the prince and never came back!"

Me: "But he found her, right? He found her because he loved her, right?"

Ava: (with stars in her eyes) "Yeah..."

Me: "Did you know that Jesus finds us if WE run away from Him? Because we're His princesses and He loves us, too."

Ava: *big grin*  "I wanna play hide and seek with Jesus!"

I didn't try to explain to her three year old cuteness that that notion would never work...

Nothin' much...

We had a VERY busy week scheduled

We had 

basketball

tap class

choir rehersal

Awana

mom's group

another mom's group

home group

date night

basketball game

birthday party

all scheduled

and

{so far}

all canceled!

So...thank you, Snow, for giving me 

a week of quiet

a week of playing

a week of NO schedule (except my own)

a week of snowball fights

wet mittens 

and

hot chocolate

a week of reading books to the kids till I'm thirsty

and a week of

beauty in my back yard

but Snow, please don't stay too much longer...

I'm ready for some warm sunshine

and

no hats

Handmade pt.10

This adorable hat and mittens were salvaged out of a favorite sweater that was beyond repair.

Sadly, it wasn't our favorite sweater, but we took pictures before we gave it to it's rightful owner!

Hmmm, maybe I could offer a "salvage your sweater" service?

What do you all think?

{sugar} Calorie-free!

I have a somewhat unhealthy addiction to scarves

In someone's opinion, I probably have too many

I have found 5 Gap scarves at the Goodwill store

Today I had a bad day

My special time of the month, sick kids, bad weather, no motivation

Today I had a good friend

who

acknowledges my scarf-lust

loves the Goodwill store like I do

and

was in the right place at the right time!

Two more Gap scarves

99 cents each.


Way better than chocolate!

Wordless Wednesday

{un}Prepared pt.2

Now, after crying a while and talking to Marvin, I feel incredibly guilty.  Because, honestly, what this all boils down to is selfishness.  Sure, Benji wants to hold on to me, but so what?  He's still there, experiencing music and participating.  I just don't like it. I don't want to be a security blanket.  I want to take my other kids out in the hall (or in the lovely seating area on the second floor) and read books to them or chat with the other mommies while they play quietly.

I don't want to be the center of attention, the plus-size momma that sticks out like a coffee stain on a white shirt, with all my kids clinging onto me.  I don't like the looks of judgement that I see, and the way it makes me look like I'm a bad parent or one who easily gives in and lets the kids walk all over me.  I'm the one who is uncomfortable here, not my kids.

Sure, Benji cried a little at Awana, but for the most part, he had a good time and benefited from it.  I just don't like the inconvenience of entertaining a three year old while I"m on a 2 foot leash attached to my 6 year old.  And yeah, Benji wanted me to be touching him while I sat behind him at choir, but when the teacher handed him the drum to repeat a rhythm, he did it perfectly with a huge grin on his face.  I just didn't like the awkwardness and claustrophobia that came with it.

Being a good parent involves dying to self on a minute-by-minute basis.  BUT it also involves knowing where your limits are and saying no when saying yes means an unhealthy level of stress.  So, where's the line? How do I find a balance between being unselfish, a bit uncomfortable and nurturing a shy child, and  ratcheting up my stress level to a point that I'm completely unable to function.

I don't know.  I simply don't know.

{un}Prepared

Marvin and I decided to "force" our boys to take choir as the music portion of school.  By "force" I litterally mean FORCE.  If they had their 'druthers, they'd never leave the house.  They'd have all their play dates here, they'd never play outside, they'd only shop online (Ha!), etc.  Yes, I did say "they'd never play outside"!  What? Yeah, I know, they're boys...not sure what happened there...

Anyways, amidst the moaning and tears, I shoved them into the van this afternoon.  I was prepared to quietly entertain Ava while I (and Ava) sat beside Benji on the risers for 30 min. as he (hopefully) listened and followed instructions.  I was then prepared to quietly entertain Ava and Benji in another room while Alec, the braver of the two boys, (hopefully) listened and followed instructions for 50 min.

I was also prepared to park a block or so away and walk to the building with three kids, three bulky winter coats, two backpacks and my bag and water bottle.  Oh, and prepared to pay $50 for the privilege of experiencing this once a week for several months!

So we get there and the building is like something out of one of my claustrophobia nightmares.  A maze of unmarked hallways were constipated with parents, kids and all of their bulky coats and bags.  Not to mention that we're supposed to be quiet so as not to compromise our working relationship with the college who is graciously letting us rent the space for our humble little homeschool choir!

By this point, Benji's eyes were filled with tears and he had a death grip on my hand, Ava was running away, and Alec was frozen wide-eyed like a scared prairie dog.  I convinced Alec to sit at the other end of the room and read, and made my way up to the very front, apologizing profusely to the very gracious choir teacher, and sat down behind Benji with Ava beside me.

I spent the next 30 min trying as inconspicuously as possible to keep Ava quiet while I remained in constant physical contact with Benji so that he wouldn't turn around in a panic, thinking that I had somehow mysteriously vaporized from the seat behind him.

I spent the 10 minute break afterward wading through the constipated hallways again to the postage-stamp sized bathroom and then back to the choir room to get Alec situated for his session. When we got to the bathroom, Ava relieved herself and then threw a tantrum when I insisted on closing the door while I relieved myself.  She must have missed those 5 emails about being quiet.

The next 50 min. were spent sitting in a minorly larger area of the hallway, talking with a couple other moms and pooling our efforts to again keep naturally loud children quiet.

After one final trip through my favorite hallway, we found our way out of the building.  Ava refused to hold my hand, and hurtled herself VERY LOUDLY through the lobby, out the doors and towards the icy concrete steps.  The picture of her bloody lip from an accident yesterday still fresh in my mind, I clamped my hand around her wrist and hauled her down the stairs while she protested.

We're home now and the leftovers that I thought would feed the five of us for dinner barely fed the three kids.

I try to be brave and prepared for anything when I take my kids to this stuff.  But...Benji is painfully shy.  I was as a kid and know how he feels.  Ava is three and fiercely independent. Alec is a little shy, but has three years of public school under his belt, so he knows the drill.

When we get to the class or whatever it is, no matter how much I've psyched myself up, no matter how much stuff I've brought to keep Ava in one place, no matter how many times I've told Benji that I'm not leaving him, I'm never really prepared.

I always end up feeling really angry and frustrated with Benji.  He follows EVERY STEP I take, and has to have constant eye contact or feel me beside him or the tears start to fall. Ava, on the other hand, wants her own seat, her own books, to have privacy in the bathroom (even though she routinely falls into the toilet).

So taking the kids to an activity other than a playdate is a total disaster.  We've taken them to Awana for four weeks and stayed for the 2 1/2 hours so that Benji would hopefully feel comfortable enough to even just participate, let alone stay without us.  Is it working? NO.  I feel like giving up on everything and just keeping the kids in the house with me like they want for another year.

I know it's good for them to experience a wide variety of activities, participate in organized things lead by someone other than me, to meet new people, etc. But at what cost?  Right now it doesn't seem worth it.

(I hear that there is a lovely seating area on the second floor of the building where choir is, for parents of "normal" kids...Maybe one day I'll get to see it, or maybe sit there and read a book!)

just like {momma}

Blue Moon

When I was a little girl, the moon woke me up at night,

so bright.

My window was high in my wall

and

my room was often flooded

with moonlight.

I would sit up and 

stare

 for what seemed like hours

and be amazed at how
God
lit the night sky.

I always look at the sky now

and notice the moon

Tonight

the moon is pure white

like the icy air drained its color;

glowing

like pearls on a black dress

It distracted me all the way home

Tonight the sky is bright enough

to sit outside

in the country

and read a book

and

bright enough to wake my little girl

WeekEnd

It's been a while since I've done one of these...this one will be short because my lovely husband is waiting for me to socialize while the kids are watching a movie!!

This week I...

Made

~three darling beaded necklaces for three darling little girls I know
~a fabulous ragg skirt for MY darling little girl
~cookies without two important ingredients, TWICE!
~lots of mistakes with prioritizing, and my laundry situation shows it!
~a big deal over the Garden of Eden Alec made on his own initiative with Legos (complete with Satan the serpent!)
~a Lego man chocolate cake for Benji's sixth birthday party

Taught

~school
~patience
~sharing
~Ava how to string beads
~Alec how to sew
~Benji how to read a new book

Went

~to a new mom's group
~to a huge thrift store with a friend and got some terrific stuff, including my 4th thrifted Gap scarf! (yep, I have a little obsession with scarves)
~a little overboard with the chocolate consumption, assisted by the giant chocolate cake I made for Benji's birthday
~to the post office to mail a phone charger to a friend on a two week vacation who will desparately need said charger by the second week
~to the rec center to make a payment for the tap class that Ava will start taking next week
~to a friend's house for a nice afternoon of Nerf gun battles and warm cookies
~to another friend's house to drop off her car keys that I found hidden in my couch cushions
~to Awana with my boys and stayed because Benji is still too shy to go alone
~ will go to Alec's basketball game in the morning VERY early, too early for a Saturday, if you ask me!

Didn't

~go to the grocery store like I planned
~follow my housekeeping list
~get a haircut like I wanted to
~see my parents
~spend much time alone (and awake!) with Marvin

Did

~get our school list for this week mostly accomplished despite the two busy mornings
~stick to my guns and hop on the treadmill three times at 6:30am
~get excited about our upcoming trip, sans children, to Florida
~learn how to properly use a crimp bead and crimping pliers
~wish I had one of those Roomba robot thingys to vaccum for me
~watch the movie Shorts with my boys and laugh as much as they did
~listen to my kids playing all together and realize that I actually had an un-contrived moment to myself and feel sad about it

OK, guess that's not a very short week!  February will be nuts for us, Ava's starting tap classes and the boys are starting choir, in addition to basketball, Cub Scouts and Awana that we already do.  I'm also still hosting my mom's group from our old church and attending my new mom's group.  But that's all just for Febuary...I hope!

Once Upon a Time...

...I used to be a hairdresser...

 and I had the expertise of all my co-workers at my

fingertips

to work their magic on MY wild hair

Now I convince my 4 clients to sit down for 30 seconds

once every six months so I can

work my magic on THEIR hair

There is a hairdresser that lives down the street from me

and

every morning I see him out my window,

walking to work.

It takes all I have to not leap out in front of him

on the sidewalk

in my pajamas

and

hold him hostage until he cuts my hair

in my

kitchen

Dear Readers,

I am having a huge clearance sale over at my shop,

meeUp Baby Carriers

They are semi-fitted, pouch-style baby carriers, they are

sleek, chic

and

a must-have for any baby-wearing momma who wants to be

in style!

During the sale, all carriers will be discounted $10

That means...

my normally low priced, quality meeUps are

EVEN MORE AFFORDABLE!

Prices range from $25 to $35

If you blog about this, or tweet about it, you will receive free shipping on your order!
(just leave me a comment and let me know)

So...help me out and spread the word!!!

Thanks you all!

(sale does not include children's meeUps)

It's 9:01

and I've

gotten up (at 6:15)

made the bed

gotten dressed

started laundry

folded laundry

walked/ran for 30 min on the treadmill

brushed my teeth

helped Marvin out the door

made smoothies

served applesauce

put dinner in the crockpot

played captain of Ava's laundry basket boat

played Joseph and answered Ava's Mary's question about where the blanket for baby Jesus was

folded more laundry

cooked turkey sausage

wiped a poopy butt

 unloaded the dishwasher

taken everything off of the top shelf in my fridge and washed it in the sink with soapy water

prayed (a LOT)

wondered if my life could possibly get any richer, or more filled with joy

remembered Benji's birthday party yesterday and the 8 happy little boys building Legos

thought about my best friend packing her house

cried when I remembered receiving prayer yesterday in church for the gift of encouragement

sent a text message to Marvin

sent a very inappropriate text message to my other best friend to make her laugh while she's in school

looked out the window and seen white snow falling on the soggy brown yard

realized that I shouldn't be blogging because I'm still playing Joseph and Ava Mary is waiting for me to play

He's SIX!

Benji, I can't believe this day is here!

You were so sick as a baby, and I always wondered what you'd be like as you got older.

For me, the "baby" years are birth to 5

Now you're SIX

God is good

You are so healthy

so happy

you make us laugh all the time

You love Legos

you adore your older brother

(to the point of hitting your Father when he disciplines him!!)

You love playing with your younger sister

now that you've figured out that she really isn't out to get you, she's just little

You're mommy's little snuggler

your favorite thing to do during mommy time is to snuggle in my bed

with me

and read books

You love berries, pears, pickles, celery, and

anything mommy bakes for you,

especially chocolate desserts!

 We love you so much, Benji...

Happy SIXth Birthday, Boo Bear!!