Heavy on my heart

I do not follow politics, I don't watch the news, I don't understand the fine inner workings of foreign policy, economics and the stock market.

What I do understand right now is this:

We the people have fallen way past the mark of Dem*crat or Republi*an. The situation politically in our country has evolved to one of freedom versus none. There are some of us who are awake and watching this all unfold, with shock and horror. Shaking our heads, wondering what we can do. The rest of us are following the herd, so caught up in what feels good right now that we don't bother to take a look at where all the lemmings are headed.

The general public has become stupider and stupider, willing to believe ANYTHING that is on the television, ANYTHING that is on a billboard, ANYTHING their doctor tells them...as long as it will make their problems go away RIGHT.NOW....at any cost. Hard work has become a curse to be avoided, investing time in the well being of your children is now a waste of time because someone else can do it. Making conscious choices to conserve energy, waste, and to care for our environment are only done because it's a fad, not because anyone really cares. Money is now the driving force, not knowledge. If a company is wealthy and powerful enough, they will make their own truth. And everyone will believe it.

I am so tired of hearing people slam the opposite political party. Folks, this is way more serious than who is in office next year. We are on a fast track to a major economic, and cultural disaster and the only way to stop it or change it's course is to WAKE UP!!!!

Have you read your history books? Do you remember what you learned in elementary school? Why did the Pilgrims come to America? They came because they wanted to WORSHIP GOD freely. They did not come seeking a wealthy cushy life. Our country was founded on hard work and FAITH IN GOD. If it weren't for that, we would not be here. God blessed and prospered our nation because of it.

Are we still working hard? Are we still worshiping God? Nope. And guess what? He's not blessing our nation any longer. Like the Israelites who turned their backs on God despite His blessings, and were forced to wander in the desert, we are following suit.

I know this is heavy, and I rarely speak up about this kind of stuff because, frankly, I don't understand a lot of it. But I have read enough lately about parental rights under attack, forced vaccines, dishonesty in agriculture, and changing homeschool laws to know that somethin' just ain't right!

If you take anything away from this (and bless you if you read all the way to the end!) let it be this: PLEASE take responsibility for your own life. Learn it all for yourself. Don't base your opinions or actions on the news, commercials, or F*cebook gossip. Open your eyes, use the brain the Lord gave you, and look around. Disciple your families, grow your own food or at least try and buy real food without an ingredient list on it, pray with your spouse, learn to survive without power, learn to live with less, stop using your credit cards, be alert and aware at all times, walking and praying in the Spirit, watching for opportunities to serve.

Never, EVER take our freedom for granted, and remember that YOU (yes, YOU) are responsible for putting people in office that will take us in the direction we should go. WE are in charge of the government, but only if we refuse to back down, refuse to give up our rights, refuse to forget that we are a nation of tenacity, enterprise, and faith.

And now, my friends, I am off my soapbox.


I think I'm alone now...

For the first time...in 11 years of being a parent...I actually did it.

I broke down...and WANTED to be alone!


I LOVE to be with  my kids, and so enjoy watching every little moment of their fast, young lives unfold right in front of me...and we homeschool...and don't really agree with having a dozen, frantic "extra" activities...so they literally are with me ALL the time.

I'm never alone...even in the bathroom!

And I'm not by any means complaining...

I just started feeling stretched thin, dried up, uninspired, disconnected...completely and utterly incapable in all areas of my life. So I asked...I asked the Lord if this was the right thing to do...and then I asked my husband...and I asked my parents to help out.

And yesterday morning, Marvin AND all the kids "left for work" at 8am, and came home at 8pm.

No one asking for food 5 times an hour, no sounds of squabbling upstairs, no lost toys, no math to teach, no arguments to resolve, no feelings of frustration because I can't get accomplished what needs to be done...

just peace

and stillness

I actually kept forgetting that I was truly alone and kept listening for the kids to be coming downstairs in the morning. It took several hours for it to finally sink in!

I thought I'd miss them, that I'd wander aimlessly through the house and maybe even cry a bit if I put laundry away in their rooms.

I did cry...but only because I was throwing myself at the feet of my Savior...begging and pleading for the end of my drought, crying out for wisdom and inspiration, yearning for spiritual insight into their lives, petitioning Christ for their hearts and souls...laying it all down on the line and asking...

And I didn't miss them.

And I'm not ashamed to say that.

It's normal and it was very much needed. For someone who never, ever gets a respite from the hardest job on the face of the earth...even on family vacation...it was just time. Just for one day...or maybe a couple more days down the road.


Dear Jesus,

"Thank you for my brothers and sisters and my mommy and daddy. Please help my friend feel better tonight, and please comfort my uncle since his mommy went to be with you. Thank you for our house, and please help us find a new one with woods. Amen"

Simple. From the heart, with thanksgiving and honesty.

Does it really need to be complicated? Does prayer really need to be analyzed, broken down into talking points at a conference? With captions like, "Why prayers aren't answered?"
Can't we just talk...to Jesus...our Heavenly Father...Abba...our Creator God? He knows our hearts anyways, it doesn't matter how we re-arrange our words, or attempt to manipulate our thoughts to be more convicted, or more sure of ourselves in what we are asking.

After all, Jesus is the one who said, "with prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God"
He didn't say, "only after intensive research into the Scriptures, and arrangement of your prayer in the formula guaranteed to get results, will I consider listening to you"

I've heard it said that we need to stop praying "baby prayers", prayers like the ones my children pray each night before bed. We need to dig deeper into God and pray "grown up prayers" about the spiritual well-being of our neighborhoods, and the conscience of those guiding our nation.

yes. yes we do.

But sometimes, " baby prayers"  are the most honest, the most from the heart. The very thing that God put us immediately in care over, our children and our household, the very thing God created us as mothers to be, wouldn't it make sense that those are the things that prick our hearts and  move us to the simple, heartfelt cries and conversations with Jesus like, "Help me know what to do next!" or "please help my daughter learn to share".
Tiny supplications sent up to a mighty God who cares about so much more than that, and because of it, cares about details...because the details are the things that layer upon layer to make the big beautiful picture that He's painting!

Those of us who are gifted with the vision of the bigger picture are the ones who need to continue to strive and pray that way...
But there are also those of us who are down in the trenches, polishing and perfecting our execution of the tedium, the mundane stuff of life...the things that make the bigger picture come alive! The beautiful details that will make our sons and daughters and husbands and households a true work of art.


Dear Jesus, thank you for always listening to me no matter what I say, and where I am. Thank you for Your promise to always be near. Please grant me wisdom to carry out my duties for today in a fair and loving manner, to glorify You. And please help me to find a solution to Ava's whining...


Tidbits of real...

Just a few things...it feels good to get it out there...so there's nothing to hide!

I can never take anything or any person at surface value. No matter what it is, or who they are, I think about it/them very deeply. Seriously. I always think there has to be more than just what I see. Food, furniture, shoes, church, the person behind me in line at the grocery, you get the picture...Unfortunately, that makes me susceptible to conspiracy theories and other such nonsense. Sometimes it's crippling, curbing my enjoyment of just the moment...but sometimes it is life saving...

I'm such a plan-ahead-er that I have to remind myself daily that THIS is my life. Right now. And I'd better make the most of it...and that as a wife, helpmeet, mother, and keeper of my home, I'm accountable to GOD for how I spend each minute of my day. THIS day, not the ones next week that I've planned for!

Sometimes, I just announce "It's a free day!" to my kids. Then I sit in a comfy chair and read a book all day while they watch movies, play computer games and feed themselves. Occasionally I feel guilty, but not usually.

Our desk in our school room is an unforgivable disaster area. I hate clutter and disorganization. Unfortunately, my dear husband could care less, and has even less time to do something about it. Sadly, I'm terrified to even touch the bills and statements and all the other freaky paper clutter that is surrounding me even as I type this. I'm not the one who pays the bills and deals with all that stuff, and in my mind, if I throw away the wrong thing, the IRS will be knockin' on the door tomorrow! I guess I need to find the Paper Clutter 101 class and take some good notes!

Right now, I'm completely alone in my house. Well, except for the dog...who is sitting behind me VERY loudly grinding down a bone. This never, ever, ever happens! The kids are at my parents house for the day, and it's my opportunity to ransack their rooms and get rid of stuff that they would never miss until they saw it heading out of the house to be donated...sneaky, eh? But...all I want to do is make some chocolate chip cookies and popcorn and sit down with a movie. *sigh* We don't even have any popcorn...


I took a break

Right before Easter, during the Lenten season, I attempted to take a break from all electronics...more specifically from email and other internet related time wasters. I also imposed said break on my kids, and would have asked Marvin to participate except for the fact that he actually hates using the computer at all because he has to so often at work.

During the first week it was a little challenging. I was teaching a class to our local homeschool co-op at the time and I was trying to figure out how to limit my email access to only one day a week but still be able to adequately communicate with my students.  I ended up checking email only the day before my class, or checking once a day on my Kindle (which is small and makes it VERY inconvenient to send any reply emails).

I think it was about day three or four, when Marvin came home from work, raised his eyebrows and remarked how exceptionally clean and tidy the house looked.  The next week, he began to get a bit nervous as he saw bag after bag of stuff head out the door to be donated! At the end of that week, it hit me...

I was completely addicted to using the computer.

I remembered how vague and disconnected I had felt during the day from the kids, and how frantic I felt around 5:00 when I realized that my hours of the day had vanished and I couldn't be accountable for any of them. I had this sense of restlessness and hurry in the back of my mind to get accomplished normal daily tasks in what I felt to be not enough time.

I really and truly thought homeschooling was the culprit! How many times had I said to a friend, "Oh yes, I've given up on having a clean house, but at least we are eating healthy food and my kids will be well educated!"
And how silly I felt looking back on that, realizing that I had given my time over to a vacuum of useless internet searches and email rabbit trails.

At the end of the 40 day hiatus, I was extremely reluctant to end it! Sadly, I gave in to what is socially acceptable, and re-opened my email account. I had become so accustomed by then to redirecting my hourly thought of "must check email" to a thought of "no, no email, kids and house instead" that checking email felt foreign and strange.

Now, months later, I'm still unsure how this should look...me+the computer+my REAL life...what is too much? What is the bare minimum? Should I unsuscribe to all newsletters so I don't have as much email?

I have cut back on quite a bit, no longer going down rabbit trails, blog hopping, using Faceb*ok, or Twit*er...but I still do need to use email, and I still to quite a bit of research online. It's hard to find a balance with something that is so necessary, but at the same time not really!

I think the real issue for me is just simply getting distracted. I find myself doing something that I totally didn't intend to do and wondering how I got there! on a daily basis! Somehow I think that's no more than natural for a homeschooling momma of little ones...


Hello, there!

Hi! It's me.
I've been away for quite a while. Too long.

I've forgotten how nice it is to have an outlet for all the words and conversations I have with myself in my head daily. How nice it is to think that perhaps someone else out there feels the same way...or that someone might feel better if they read what I wrote.

We've been schooling, asking questions, thinking about the future, re-thinking about the future, waiting on the Lord, working hard, de-cluttering, feeling unsettled, feeling content, trying new things, growing together, enjoying our life, seeing things with a different perspective.

Some things have been answered, settled. Others have not. It's hard to wait, but it feels familiar, secure. For waiting is what I do best...

I've actually been blogging all along...sometimes just in my head... and sometimes on here...just saving all the posts for when the time is right to share.

And now it's time.

So...Hello, again!
Hope you've all been well.
I'll talk to you soon...

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