Is it time?

I don't have the brain power to make this a cute post, or play with my words, or such...I just want to say something about my present state of being to whomever cares to read...

I was sick for nearly two weeks.  One of the weeks, I was completely bed-ridden, with vomiting, fever and diarrhea (I can never spell that right, thank goodness for automatic spell checker!)  The other week was spent with me wobbling between the bed, bathroom and kitchen in a daze.  Trying to figure out what to eat to make my stomach stop cramping, wishing that I had an IV of water because I was so thirsty, and in awe of the disaster that had come upon the house in my "absence".

During that second week, we also had a broken dishwasher, and we were down one car.  Not great circumstances to try and recover under.  Thankfully, my mom and my BFF Sarah were willing and eager to help out, and made me start to feel like myself again.

Monday the haze lifted, and I began picking up the pieces.  As I cleaned, I began to process mentally all that had gone on, and all that we had missed.

Here's the rundown:

We missed a wedding for which I had stayed up late countless nights, recycling an old silk bridesmaids gown into a beautiful dress for Ava to wear to it.

We missed Thanksgiving dinner with my in-laws, and the kids cousins, whom they rarely see

We missed a long-awaited lunch "date" with my bloggy friend and her family at her house, where our kids were supposed to meet each other and become fast friends

We missed an appointment for family photos with our extended family that had taken such grit and determination to schedule that it felt like being in labor

We missed our yearly tradition of decorating the outside of our house the weekend after Thanksgiving

Marvin missed countless hours of sleep, as he frantically tried to help me keep from throwing up, and worked late into the night doing dishes, etc. so I wouldn't feel overwhelmed

The kids missed their mommy, I hardly laid eyes on them for nearly a week, Marvin religiously kept them out of my room, envisioning how horrifying it would be if one of them caught what I had

Alec and Benji missed two weeks of school.  I am assured, however, by many homeschooling peers of mine, that this is just one of the wonderful flexibilities of home education, and they will be none the worse for wear.

We also missed Ava's birthday party, postponing it until sometime in January, when things slow down.

{on a side note, I don't miss the 13 lbs. I lost!!}

This lasted long enough to really start messing with my head.  Made me wonder, will I ever feel normal again?  What even is normal? How on earth do I normally handle parenting three kids and running a house?

Happy to say, that today, Thursday, I'm feeling fine.  Feeling capable, competent, energetic (most of the time, but I still need to sit down occasionally), and able to handle my full, beautiful life again.

But...is it really that time again?  Is it really Christmas? Somehow, with my head in the pillows, I missed that spark that ignites my heart every year. I'm not excited, not seeing beauty in our decorations, not eager to share once again about the Holy Baby, not catching the sparkle in my children's eyes.

I feel very flat.  Like we're just having bad weather at some anonymous point in the winter.  Maybe I'm still overwhelmed deep down inside, and not able to reconcile myself to reality.

I'm not sure what I'll do, but what I won't do is give up.  This time of year is such a special one, the rare time that those around us are open and willing to accept the possibility of something more, something special, something divine that would yank them out of their drab existence.

I want to participate in that again, to feel the pull of heaven on my heart just a little stronger than the rest of the year, to see another glimpse of understanding on my children's faces.  I won't give up, I'll put one foot in front of the other, load the dishwasher again, and put the rest of the ornaments on the tree.

It is time, the feeling will come.  It always does.

2 readers took time to leave a thought:

Sara Kay December 10, 2009 at 3:54 PM  

I feel like I can relate on some level. Being so pregnant has done in any motivation I had to do anything special this year. I keep skipping all the advent posts on the homeschool blogs with almost a feeling of disdain. :) glad I have a husband who LOVES decorating or I'm not sure it would have happened. The one thing that has broken through is singing Christmas carols with the kids in the car. As they start to learn the words to the songs I know by heart it just makes me smile. And I know that having my new baby girl in my arms is sure to break through! I'll pray for some special moments for you too.

Lucky December 10, 2009 at 4:36 PM  

Whenever that happens I thank God again and again that I am usually relatively healthy. I don't know how people who are chronically sick manage.
As for Christmas...give yourself time. You might just be overwhelmed. Once you get a little more caught up you can start to add in all the extras little by little...it'll come.
Glad you feel better!

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