{un}Prepared pt.2

Now, after crying a while and talking to Marvin, I feel incredibly guilty.  Because, honestly, what this all boils down to is selfishness.  Sure, Benji wants to hold on to me, but so what?  He's still there, experiencing music and participating.  I just don't like it. I don't want to be a security blanket.  I want to take my other kids out in the hall (or in the lovely seating area on the second floor) and read books to them or chat with the other mommies while they play quietly.

I don't want to be the center of attention, the plus-size momma that sticks out like a coffee stain on a white shirt, with all my kids clinging onto me.  I don't like the looks of judgement that I see, and the way it makes me look like I'm a bad parent or one who easily gives in and lets the kids walk all over me.  I'm the one who is uncomfortable here, not my kids.

Sure, Benji cried a little at Awana, but for the most part, he had a good time and benefited from it.  I just don't like the inconvenience of entertaining a three year old while I"m on a 2 foot leash attached to my 6 year old.  And yeah, Benji wanted me to be touching him while I sat behind him at choir, but when the teacher handed him the drum to repeat a rhythm, he did it perfectly with a huge grin on his face.  I just didn't like the awkwardness and claustrophobia that came with it.

Being a good parent involves dying to self on a minute-by-minute basis.  BUT it also involves knowing where your limits are and saying no when saying yes means an unhealthy level of stress.  So, where's the line? How do I find a balance between being unselfish, a bit uncomfortable and nurturing a shy child, and  ratcheting up my stress level to a point that I'm completely unable to function.

I don't know.  I simply don't know.

9 readers took time to leave a thought:

Jillien February 2, 2010 at 9:22 PM  

Just passing through from Muthering Heights.

There has to be boundaries. Every individual has boundaries--even mothers! Don't get down on yourself for wanting that.

Will and Olivia February 2, 2010 at 9:24 PM  

i don't know either. but stop calling yourself a plus size mamma. you are beautiful.

Kate February 2, 2010 at 9:47 PM  

These two posts just ripped my dreams that you have all the answers. Dangit. But knowing you and your faithfulness to the Lord and your family, you will find JUST the right way to work through this because you're an AWESOME mom like that!!

My2Gs February 2, 2010 at 9:48 PM  

I just want to give you a big hug after reading that. You are an awesome Mama and don't ever second guess yourself. I know how it is to have one of those kids who doesn't want to leave your side. I just keep telling myself that one of these days I will long for him to want to be near me.....while instead all grown up and out with his friends. Maybe it would help him to start a little smaller (class size, etc). Anyways...be encouraged! You're doing a great job! <3
~ Lace

Muthering Heights February 2, 2010 at 10:11 PM  

That is so tough...I feel for you!!

Sara Kay February 2, 2010 at 10:27 PM  

Heh. I'm trying to figure out similar issues, different setting, same problem. If you figure it out, let me know. :)

Lucky February 3, 2010 at 8:46 AM  

From a different end of the spectrum...I find it stressful to be the Mom of a VERY OUTGOING girl! I think I am getting those same judging stares because she is often the one talking, jumping, being the center of attention.
I think as Moms the hardest thing is to get out of our own way. I don't think for one minute Michaela thinks there is anything wrong with what she is doing (and there really isn't!)...it's usually me and my insecurities. I totally get how you are feeling.

4 Little Men and Girly Twins February 3, 2010 at 1:28 PM  

oh man! Really well written, but so hard to answer.

and you DO stand out... because you are a HOT MOMMA! You are for sure my most beautiful friend! {grin}

paul said maybe we can go out tonight??? and chat about our problems! Hee-Hee!


Russ, Anna, Pepper and Vesper February 3, 2010 at 3:45 PM  

props to you for revealing your insecurities and "issues" as a mommy here. being a mommy really is the toughest job on earth! keeping who we are but yet being there for our children in the ways that they need us are so trying things to do at the same time. keep your head up, you will work this out, i am sure of it!

i don't know you, of course, but have been reading your blog for a while after finding you on brittany's. you seem like super sweet friends and remind me of a friendship i have developed with a new friend this past year. thank God for friends!!!!!!

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