Older

They are. Getting older, that is.

All taller, bigger, more mature..branching out...learning in leaps and bounds

Loving each other, loving God, loving this baby we are waiting for...

{The oldest}

...sometimes serious

sometimes definitely not...

wearing adult sized shoes

and the largest size there is in boy clothes...

growing into his new body...

never without his pocket knife or his machete if we are heading out of doors for the day

Taking on new leadership roles with his siblings

voluntarily helping his little sister with things around the house

putting her to bed some nights

(this will come in REALLY handy when Daddy and I are exhausted from nights up with a baby!)

Cooking some meals

fixing and serving breakfast on lots of mornings when Mommy is so tired from sleepless pregnant nights

Quickly and quietly getting his school work done and excelling on his violin

Really good at arguing...in a good way

It just comes naturally, his way of thinking outside the box,

looking at things from a different perspective...

Sometimes it comes across as disrespectful

(and sometimes it actually is)

but sometimes I'm genuinely surprised at how much logic flows out of his head!

Mix of child and man, still with a tender heart

Still mold-able and teachable...

Oh Lord, give us the wisdom to train him up in the way he should go!

{The younger son}

 Always funny...always smiling...except when he isn't...

Sensitive and snuggly

still has traces of "little boy" lingering

but fast approaching big brother

Really has a head for numbers

but hates math...

 Still finds reading challenging...and really would rather be playing during read-aloud time...but then again, what 8 year old boy wouldn't?!

Able to work more independently...and becoming much more independent in social settings.

I can hardly believe this is the same child who, only a year ago, would not leave my side at our co-op!

Still fascinated by food...

 Lego food, Playmobile food, real food, Food Network...

Will he be a chef? Is it because of his allergies?

Much less sensitive to lots of foods now, eats eggs regularly, oats with no problem, raw grass fed milk and cheese, still problems with corn

 Beginning to be his own little person, thoughts and interests uniquely different from his once-mirror brother...extremely funny and original

Still quite the artist...excellent handwriting...

Vacillates wildly between adoration of his little sister and complete disdain

Fascinated with facts and information about the new baby coming

He remembers the one we lost, keeps track of how old it would be now...

 "Mommy, I love you so much!" is heard daily...

Oh Lord, give us patience and tenacity to see him through this shift, and to gently guide him to the next phase in his growth...

{The girl}

Definitely a girl with brothers...

heading rapidly towards six

growing so tall

looking not so much like a chubby preschooler any more

Still the mix of sweetness and wild wind

Princess tomboy...

Budding little mommy...excellent helper in the kitchen

I find dollies put to bed and animals being fed in all corners of her room...

along with dirty clothes strewn...

Madly in love with this baby in my belly...talking to it through my belly button is a daily occurrence

Discussions of sharing her room are not going well, but she loves the idea of possibly a little sister...

Still somewhat of a picky eater, needs her pants glued to the chair during a meal...

Mommy needs to crack down on some manners...

Reading amazingly well, drawing and writing...coloring all the time...

loves her school books...but not always interested...

Champion fort-builder

Lover of ALL types of animals, even the ugly scary looking ones...

Still some sensory issues with clothes, although she proclaimed that she now "Loves socks!" 

Can ride a bike, jump rope, play chess, swim underwater...roller skate...

Amazes me every day with her insight and intuition WAY older than she is...

LOVES Dada and Papa (or "Popes", as she calls him right now)

Calls them on the phone on her own daily...treats them to long, syrupy messages, or long one-sided conversations that mostly consist of, "Now I'm walking around. Now I'm in my bedroom. Now I'm in the kitchen..."

Recently painted me a picture of her and I and said, 

"Mommy, the reason I made this for you is because I am loving that you are having a baby and I love having a Mommy like you!"

Lord, please aid us in protecting her innocence, give us grace to follow through on our parenting...

These precious blessings from God, on loan to us for a time, to nurture, train up, protect...

What an honor, privilege and amazing responsibility...

So humbling that the Heavenly Father would give me, lil' ole' me, a chance to cherish an eternal soul...

Fear and Faith

I stand paralyzed in front of my closet. My bulging belly says I'm pregnant...nearly 15 weeks to be exact. But somehow, despite my nausea, feeling the baby move (early!), and not fitting into any of my clothes for a very long time, I don't feel like it's real.

I look down at the laundry basket where my one tired pair of maternity jeans sprawls out onto the floor, and then glance at a worn out, stretched out, pilly sweater and imagine myself wearing that outfit one more time. Then I stare at the small selection of maternity clothes that I purchased a couple days before and imagine myself wearing them. They look much better...in fact, they actually look nice on me.

And I actually need them. I can't wear my stretch pants and long tank tops and pretend that they are suitable any longer. It's too cold outside, and it's getting embarrassing.

I reach out to grab one of the new shirts and freeze. I just can't do it. I can't take the tag off.
It is then that I realize just how afraid I am.

"Lord! I'm terrified!" I cry, tears streaming down my face. "I'm terrified!" I repeat over and over, slowly letting it sink in.

This amazing gift I've been given, I can't seem to unwrap the package. It's sitting on the floor, all pretty in paper and a bow, and I stare at it every day, smile tenderly when I think about what's inside, even show it to the kids. But that's all. I step over it, walk around it, make sure it's not in harms way...but I don't tear off the paper in breathless anticipation...I can't even pick it up.

I knew that this pregnancy would be a huge stretching of my faith and trust. But I had no idea how hard it would be. The simple act of putting on actual maternity clothes, of committing, in a tangible way, to this pregnancy is more painful that I had imagined.

See, when we got pregnant two years ago, it was an answer to prayer. My kids had been praying, and I had been praying for a surprise, that my husband's heart would be changed towards having more children. And sure enough, our prayers were answered, to the letter. I also got pregnant at the same time as a friend who was new in town and had prayed that she would have a friend to be pregnant with.

We went shopping together for maternity clothes...and I purchased some comfy pants and t shirts...which I proceeded to wash and wear.

Then I miscarried.
Then I had to stare at those clothes hanging there, unused...
Then I miscarried again.

Yes, our prayers were answered, yes, my husbands heart was changed, yes, the Lord was with me through each painful moment, and yes, here we are again, more prayers answered...and I'm absolutely terrified.

Of course I have no way of knowing what the future holds, and this journey of faith is the most tangible one I've ever been on. I'm literally going day to day, believing that there is a healthy baby inside of me, praying fervently for it, but unable to see or feel it...stepping out in faith...for something unseen...but believing the promise of the Lord to fill my arms again.

I'm comforted by this: no matter what the outcome, I am in the refiners fire, and I will be changed for the good and for the glory of the Lord.

And this baby...well, it will be something pretty special. A physical reminder to momma on a daily basis, that she can, indeed, do ALL things through Christ!!!

{14 wks, 4 days 10/5}

Fifteen weeks

No...no bump picture...

See, here's the thing...despite my whole food diet and my active lifestyle and my use of a holistic chiropractor and a naturopath...I'm overweight. I'm the beautiful fat girl that everyone wants to be friends with because she looks...well, comfortable...and non-threatening! And everyone says, "Oh, you are so pretty!" or "Oh, you look great, Shelly", because what else do you say to the anomaly that is me.

And, what's worse is...I have absolutely NO idea why I'm overweight. I've been there, done and tried that. And no one has any answers for me.

So. There it is. Naked honesty.

My "baby bump" is always huge from the beginning, making my first miserable, vomit-filled weeks even worse because I instantly look like I've gone off the deep end, burying my emotions in Twinkies and soda and white bread.

I do actually look truly pregnant right now, but that pretty belly curve that most women have is more like a series of badly graded hills on me.

But I don't say this to make anyone feel sorry for me, it's my life, I'm used to it...and sometimes I actually feel like I look cute pregnant. Thank goodness my husband is the amazing man he is, and manages to make me feel beautiful and lets me know he loves me for just me, not the package me is wrapped in...although he insists that he likes that, too! *grin*

Anyhow...back to the pregnancy update:

Still feeling queasy, occasional vomit, but rare
Gagging a lot, sucking on endless Starlight Mints and peppermint gum
Using doTerra's Citrus Bliss oil to smell to avert nausea
Sea Bands work sometimes, but I've used them so much, I'm developing round marks on the insides of my wrists

Craving: steamed cauliflower, apples, juice (cider and orange juice), popcorn, broccoli (cooked and raw), eggs/french toast
Can tolerate (but don't really want): beans and rice, applesauce, canned peaches, steamed green beans, raw carrots
Can't eat (results in vomit): meat of any kind, nuts, anything with much of a flavor (haha!) or much of a smell (hahahaha!)

Now really needing maternity clothes. I had one pair of jeans left from one other pregnancies that I am wearing and a huge dumpy fleece sweatshirt that I will wear in the house because I'm notoriously freezing in the winter. Other than that, I had just been wearing gauchos, tank tops, long t shirts with a rubber band in the button of my capris, etc.

But now it's cold outside...so I finally went and bought a few things...and *whew* I'm much more comfortable!!!

I'm able to do pieces and parts of our normal daily routine now. One load of dishes,one load of laundry, swish and swipe the bathroom every couple days, most days we can do school, I can take the kids to their activities, and run one small errand. But that's about it.

Normally I push myself while I'm pregnant, and pretty much ignore it and go on with life as normal. But this time, I think since I had those miscarriages, I'm a bit more respectful of the mystery and miracle of the new life inside of me...and I'm resting. A lot more. Things are getting done, just very slowly.

Things the kids are saying:
Ava,"Mommy, are those the baby jeans?" (referring to the maternity jeans I had just bought) She calls the front panel a "baby sack"! Every night before bed, she kisses me, and then kisses my belly.
Alec and Benji, "Mom, if this baby is a boy, I hope he's rowdy like Josiah!" (our 3 year old neighbor)

{10/8/12, 15 weeks}

I'm sorry...

"Lord, I'm just so tired...

"I'm sorry for complaining so much, I just feel like the kids are missing out on so much that they need to be doing. Yeah, the house is messy, but so what...I pretty much don't have any friends anymore, at least none who drop by unexpectedly...and no one who lives here seems to care that they are wading through dog fur and dried food..

It's the schooling...and the character issues...and the bad habits and bad attitudes...and the FOOD!!! that is getting to me.

I need to be eating WAY differently than I can right now...I need bitter greens for my liver so my adrenals and thyroid can function properly...I need protein so I can have energy...I need so many things that for some reason my body won't tolerate. Living on popcorn, sour candy, noodles, juice, cooked cauliflower and mints is not a good long term protocol for anyone, ESPECIALLY someone growing a baby.

I feel so ungrateful even bringing these things to your throne...because I pleaded and begged for so long for this little one inside of me. You know my heart, you know that I'm completely in love with this little lemon-sized blessing.

But I"m also in love with my husband and other three children...and it hurts my heart to see them so neglected by me. I can see the health issues sneaking up as a result of the poor diet...laziness and apathy have developed...selfishness...too much stress for Daddy after work...I can't stand knowing that it's all because I can't, simply CAN'T fulfill my role adequately right now.

BUT...You know what I need,You know what this baby needs, You know what my family needs...and so I hold my breath, squeeze my eyes tight, and jump into Your arms...because You are."

{thoughts from my heart...10/4/12...14 weeks}