I'm sorry...

"Lord, I'm just so tired...

"I'm sorry for complaining so much, I just feel like the kids are missing out on so much that they need to be doing. Yeah, the house is messy, but so what...I pretty much don't have any friends anymore, at least none who drop by unexpectedly...and no one who lives here seems to care that they are wading through dog fur and dried food..

It's the schooling...and the character issues...and the bad habits and bad attitudes...and the FOOD!!! that is getting to me.

I need to be eating WAY differently than I can right now...I need bitter greens for my liver so my adrenals and thyroid can function properly...I need protein so I can have energy...I need so many things that for some reason my body won't tolerate. Living on popcorn, sour candy, noodles, juice, cooked cauliflower and mints is not a good long term protocol for anyone, ESPECIALLY someone growing a baby.

I feel so ungrateful even bringing these things to your throne...because I pleaded and begged for so long for this little one inside of me. You know my heart, you know that I'm completely in love with this little lemon-sized blessing.

But I"m also in love with my husband and other three children...and it hurts my heart to see them so neglected by me. I can see the health issues sneaking up as a result of the poor diet...laziness and apathy have developed...selfishness...too much stress for Daddy after work...I can't stand knowing that it's all because I can't, simply CAN'T fulfill my role adequately right now.

BUT...You know what I need,You know what this baby needs, You know what my family needs...and so I hold my breath, squeeze my eyes tight, and jump into Your arms...because You are."

{thoughts from my heart...10/4/12...14 weeks}

1 readers took time to leave a thought:

12arrows November 1, 2012 at 9:40 AM  

Please hear this...after doing it 12 times and then add 4 miscarriages that also knocked me for a loop for a few weeks, you ARE doing your job perfectly! You are the ONLY one who can grow that baby! You are the only one that can help God with this miracle! That is your job right now and God will show you what the rest of the family NEEDS! I also want to remind you that your family is learning one of the BEST things you can ever teach them...selflessness and when we lack, God takes over! They are learning what it takes to work together, life is not always easy but God is always God! One of the reasons homeschooling is so great is because they live life with us. Your kids are not sitting behind a school desk 6 hours a day with no clue what mama is going through. They are in the thick of it and learning what life is truly about! Your husband may someday need something from you that goes above the norm and you will be so willing because you will remember all of the sacrifices he has so willingly made for you. "When the other one is weak, the other one will lift him up...two are better than one!" God said that himself!:) As far as your body goes, that baby can grow with whatever you are eating because God knows what it needs and He will take care of that! One of my pregnancies, I lived on pizza, coffee,and sugared cereal...no joke! My baby was healthy and born 2 days before the due date and I will tell you, to this day is PERFECTLY normal, HA! I am not deminishing that all of this is hard and I TOTALLY understand what you are feeling but guilt comes from the enemy! Don't let him get you even more down by listening to his lies! God knows your heart and HE is forming that baby inside of you and He knows both of your needs and He WILL be your strength! This too shall pass and you will have a beautiful new little life to hold in your arms and ALL of you will be able to see the rainbow after the storm!

I hope I did not preach to you! I just wanted you to know it's ok to feel this way but remind you that there is something bigger that God will show all of you...Rest in Him and He will do the rest!

I love you!
In Christ,

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