Thoughts About Member Number Six

After Ava was born, I was done. Just done. Her birth was difficult, not complicated, but painful. She was my largest baby, weighing 9lbs 8oz and had HUGE shoulders!
I remember talking to myself in the mirror afterwards, forcing myself every day to remember the pain so that when I wanted another baby I could talk myself out of it!

How I've grown and learned since then! Once Ava outgrew her "baby monkey on speed" phase, as we so fondly called it, and became more independent, I realized that this was a very new stage for me to have only "older" children. No toddler to cling to me, no one to watch out for 24/7...At first I was like YAHOO! and enjoyed the freedom. Then came the sadness...the realization that perhaps I would never again nurse a little infant, never again enjoy baby belly laughs, never again have to buckle anyone into a car seat...all the little things, the little privileges of being a momma to a baby...maybe never again!

And I got sadder and sadder...and we ALL changed our minds! Or should I say the Lord changed our minds! There was a whole lot of prayer and correction of attitudes that happened...and learning about my true role as a wife and mother and keeper of my home.

And with the humble acknowledgement that my womb belongs in the Lord's hands, not mine, here I am. After 6 years of rebelling, being scared, and learning, I'm finally waiting for baby number four, family member number six!

My heart rejoices daily at the miracle of life growing inside of me, and at the privilege of being called upon once again to nurture a soul, a gift from our Creator.

BUT...

I can't help but wonder...

What will it be like?

After so long...will I bond with the baby? Will I remember how to breastfeed? We've been a little family of five for so long, we're a bit set in our ways...will I feel resentful towards the baby like it's an intruder? Will the kids welcome it with open arms? Will they welcome the changes or fight them? What will I say to remarks like,"Oh, was this a surprise baby?" because there is such a gap between it and the other three? Will I get annoyed and worn down quickly because I'm not used to round the clock vigilance anymore? Will I truly be able to welcome the new one into the fold with open arms and no resentment? What if I don't bond? What is wrong with me for thinking all of this? Why am I even worried about any of it?

And the truth is...I don't have the answers for my questions...and I do feel nervous. I feel like a first time mom all over again...but with "baggage"! I know the kids are excited...well at least the younger two. I really haven't taken the time to sit down with Alec and see how he feels. He's too old to be rubbing my belly and yelling things at the baby in hopes that it will hear him like his younger siblings do. He's just quiet about it...until I suggest that perhaps he's like to be the designated diaper changer!

And I really am excited, deep down. Whenever I think about that moment when my brand new, messy, squalling baby is plopped down on my chest and the ending of one thing becomes the beginning of another, I can't help but to grin...or get teary eyed...Because I know EXACTLY what that will be like! THAT is not something easily forgotten!